Mad Science Weekly

[Rita]

At last the final piece in this twisted puzzle was in place.

All the clogs were moving, the brain properly set, not to mention a few useless bits of armor were no longer taking up space in the boxes.

Rita cackles, "Arise my creation!"

The reply came in a low groan: "please... kill me..."

"Oh stop goofing off and go stand guard"

The golem stood and slowly shambled off to the front door.

As Rita cleaned up the slew of spare parts left lying around, there was a sound of a large explosion.

Going outside, she found the remains of her golem strewn in all directions from a smoldering crater about 4 feet across.

"Note to self: emo brains and self-destruct mechanisms are a bad idea"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

Looking at the labels she was required to put on her bottles of fire whiskey, Rita mumbled to herself, "lousy 'saftey laws' ruining all my sales...."

"Warning: May cause irritation or errosion of stomach lining, painfully vomiting, diarrea, and spontaneous combustion. Keep away from small children and pregnant women. Do not get in eyes. Do not expose to excess heat. Do not ingest. Contains small portions of nitroglycerin and gun powder."

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

OOC: I know I've been doing the mad science thing a lot lately, and I don't want to overdo myself and run out of ideas before I get to my target of 20 rpp (I want to see just what the heck happens on world channels). So from now on I'll only be doing it once a week. I'm gonna aim for putting something new up each sunday, but if I'm not gonna make any promises.



*Rita talking:* An antimatter fundamental, the very embodiment of chaos in this realm. But is there really a way to refine it? To increase its potencey? The very nature of a fundamental does not allow it to become too powerfull. Put too much power in, and it will simply crack the glass sphere and all the power will leak away. But it IS in a fundamental's nature to be combined with other fundamentals. And it just so happens that combining elements of opposite natures result in the antimatter fundamental (granted some more stable than others).

flame + ice = antimatter (unstable)
stone + lightning = antimatter (unstable)
cloud + sulfur = antimatter (stable)
void + rust = antimatter (stable)

We can not directly combine fundamentals of the same type, but we theoretically can combine fundamentals that produce antimatter with antimatter itself.

antimatter + flame + ice + stone + lightning + cloud + sulfur + void + rust =
antimatter + antimatter + antimatter + antimatter + antimatter =
5*antimatter

By this process, if we combine all elements at once, it is possible to create a version of antimatter with 5 times the power of the chaos element we all know and love. So, without further ado, I present the device that will hopefully make this combination possible. It has 9 chambers, one for an element of each type. The antimatter fundamental being in the middle, with the other 8 elements surounding it, each accross from it's opposite. When triggered, these 8 fundamentals are detinated, which forces their energy through the antimatter fundamental. Once there, it meets it's opposite, and combines into more antimatter energy. For the test, I believe it best if we stand a ways back... 3... 2... 1... *que military footage of atomic bomb testing*

*back to Rita, who now has singed eyebrows* Ah yes, maybe we shouldn't have included the elements that create an -un-stable form of antimatter... Wait, what's that?

*as the smoke clears from the test site, plainly visible is figure that looks exactly like Rita*

*in unision they shout* "WHAT THE CRAP?!?"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

Rita finished coiling the wires that would act as a giant elecric magnet. Having put it in place, she laid the sheet across the opening of the box, and pulled it tight.

"Yeah, add some juice to this baby, and we should blow a few ear drums"

"Um, Rita?"

"Yes, Shar?"

"Are you sure this is safe?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, something about directing a lightning bolt through metal wire while you're holding onto it just doesn't seem like a good idea"

"Relax, the electricity doesn't go through the guitar, it goes through the speaker. The guitar just lets the speaker know when to let the electricity through."

"Ok, but couldn't we try it with a little less voltage first?"

"What fun would that be? Besides, it's not made to handle just a few volts, don't give it enough, and it won't even know it has power!"

"Um, are you sure that's how it works?"

"As sure as I am about anything I do."

"That... isn't very reassuring. And do we have to test it at 3 o'clock in the morning?"

"Of course! Let's get those lazy bums out of bed! Fire it up!"

"But!.."

"I SAID FIRE IT UP!!!"

With a flash of lightning, Rita strums a chord on the guitar, and the speaker blasts a sonic shockwave through the forest. Everything it hits is knocked down: trees, houses, dinosaurs, everything. In it's wake there's nothing but rubble and eerie silence. When it finally ended, about a hundred square miles had been lain to ruin...

"That was soooo COOL!!!"

"Sometimes I wonder about you..."

"... huh?"

-Rita the (slightly tone deaf) mad scientist

[Rita]

The courts had gone easy on Shar, something about being that close to one of Rita's experiments was punishment enough. Rita, however, got the full brunt of it. She had been sentanced to the daunting task of cleaning up all the destruction she had caused. One hundred square miles of downed timber would take more than a lifetime to clean up. The idea being that if they kept her busy for the rest of her life, that they could avoid having to deal with another of her accidents.

Most people would consider this cruel and unusual punishment. Not Rita, she had turned her sentance into a thriving lumber business. An army of large mechanized ants picked up the downed trees while a team of golems cut them up into useable pieces. Her robots even delivered the lumber to the local townsfolk for her.

Suprisingly, the townsfolk weren't even angry that they had to pay for the lumber. Rummor has it, they just wanted to keep Rita as far from town as possible, and if they had to pay a little gold to do it, it was a small price to pay.

And what was Rita doing during all of this? She was trying to sit back and sip lemonade of course. But there was one thing that stood in the way of that...

*BOOM!!*

"Dammit, can't those stupid ants go 5 MINUTES without trying to pick up a tree 50 times their size?!?"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

"Can you imagine the brain of Hans Delbrook in this body?"

"Uh.. who?"

"Oh nevermind, is the machine ready?"

"If you mean are the meaningless lights blinking, then yes..."

"How many times have I told you, WE CAN NOT DO SCIENCE WITHOUT BLINKING LIGHTS!!!"

"Ok ok, chill, it's ready"

"Good, go hook up the kite then while I attach the electrodes"

"Do we really need to use a kite in a lightning storm? Can't we just get another electromancer to power it?"

"Unfortunately, no. The city has given me a restraining order to stay at least 500 feet away from any source of high voltage. But that doesn't mean we can't harness the power of a storm!"

"I kinda think it does..."

"... Just go hook up the kite..."

A few minutes latter Rita's assistant returns.

"The kite's flying, and the storm is looking pretty vicious."

"Good, our patient is all hooked up. All we need to do now is wait untill the capacitors have reached full charge. Get ready to throw the main switch.... NOW!"

As the capacitors discharge a few million volts, the patient begins to glow, and it's skeleton is breifly visible.

"LIFE! GIVE MY CREATION LIFE!!!"

"... You do know that's just a hamster, right?"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

*Rita* "Does everybody know what time it is?"

*chirp chirp*

"Oh wait, of course you don't, this is the first show! Welcome to Alchie Time, I'm your host Rita! Today we're gonna look into one of the finer points of alchemy, golems."

*Random cohost guy* "That's right Rita, we're going to be showing our viewers how to build and maintain their very own castle protecting robot."

*Rita* "Now the key to any golem project is of course to have the right parts. You want to aim for pieces with high stats, and good combat skills or spells."

*Random cohost guy* "And not to mention low price, because if you're anything like Rita, it'll end up blown up sooner or later!"

*Rita* "... Thank you Random cohost guy... As I was saying, you'll want to choose parts that match. If you're building a golem that is supposed to take hits, you'll want mostly con and str pieces. Or if it's a mage golem, int and wis. You can mix them, but remember that it's better to have it good at one area than bad at two."

*Random cohost guy* "I recomend the full plate armor for tank golems. It's cheap, it's got good protection, and you can get a lot of slots covered in a short time."

*Rita* "Which is particularly handy when trying to get a particular random enchant. However it does have one thing missing that we mentioned earlier, and that's combat skills and spells. In my opinion, the most important thing to a golem is defense. It's easy to buy a nice weapon for it, but it's hard to make it last long enough to take out the enemy. That's why for my golem, I used a simple breastplate. It's relatively inexpensive, and it gives your golem a good chance to parry a blow."

Rita carries out a golem holding a garbage can lid and sets it on the floor

*Rita* "To demonstrate the effectiveness of the simple breastplate, I've made this golem using the simple breastplate and of course, put str enchants on it to give it more power! Now everyone stand back while Random cohost guy is gonna throw rocks at it."

*Random cohost guy* "Wait a second, you never mentioned that earlier!"

"Oh come on, it's harmless. About the only thing it CAN do is parry!"

"I don't know, this looks like a bad idea to me..."

"Just throw the rock..."

Random cohost guy throws a rock at the golem. The golem deflects the rock into Rita's head, knocking her unconcious. After a bit of scuffling, a 'technical difficulties' card is placed in front of the camera

*Random cohost guy (muffled)* Well they are programmed to attack the greatest threat first...


-Rita the (slightly unconcious) mad scientist
p.s. Bonus points if you know what tv show I'm parodying

[Rita]

"So um, how does this work?"

"It's simple! A cloud fundamental has qualities of air, and can therefore be used to extend the feather weight enchantment on the pack to include the wearer. While a controlled combination of two opposing fundamentals is used to create the explosions that when directed downward by the pack, will force it skyward!"

"Um, try that again with less words?"

"Cloud make you light. Boom make you go up."

"Ok, so is it ready then?"

"Yep, just strap it on and press that button."

Toka strapped on the pack. (Which looked supprisingly like a wooden box.) And counted down.

"3... 2... 1..." *beep* "YEEEAaaahhh!!!..."

"Hmm, maybe next time I should add a way to -steer- the jetpack..."

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

"At last, my greatest creation ever!"

"It looks like just a giant catapult..."

"JUST a giant catapult?!? I'll have you know this thing can hurl objects weighing several TONS a clear quarter mile away!"

"But don't catapults usually use big rocks? Where are you gonna find rocks that big? And wouldn't they be awfully hard to load?"

"That's the beauty of it, we're not using rocks. We're using elephants!"

"Um..."

"Yeah, you just lure them onto the platform with a handfull of leaves or something, pull the lever, and send dumbo clear into the next county! Not only will it crush anything it lands on, but if it survives, you'll have one pissed of packaderm squishing everything in sight!"

"You're kinda evil in your own little way... What's the first target anyway?"

"Edon city hall. Those jerks said I was a danger to society, but I'll show them when I besiege their town with elephants!"

"Oh... kay... so what's with the peanut launcher attached to it?"

"That's the homing device!"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist
(You knew it was coming eventually...)

[Rita]

OOC: I've deceided to make a slight change to MSW. My backlog was getting very full with no sign of slowing down. (I had over 2 months worth written) And going over it I realized I had a bunch of advertisement type entries. So in short the ads won't be getting a post of their own, but will be included with the other more story like entries. I still didn't want to change it to bi-weekly just cause my ideas come in spurts. Anyways, thanks for reading

Miri wanders in from somewhere.

"You said you had something to show me?"

"Yeah, I made a genetically altered super chicken for you!"

"That looks like a regular chicken to me..."

"Well ok, I didn't make it for you at first, I was just playing around with chicken genes, but when this one didn't turn out a horrible mess I figured I should give him a good home."

"I'm affraid to ask what happened to the others... So what makes this chicken so special?"

"He can sing!"

"... A singing chicken?!?"

"Yeah, you take a bit of parrot DNA, and splice it into a chicken's.."

"Spare me the details. Does he know any songs?"

"Oh of course, here let me get him started for you."

Rita presses the chicken's back, and it starts singing in a voice exactly like Michael Jackson, "It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart."

"Um, Rita, that parrot DNA? It wouldn't happen to be tape recorder shaped, would it?"

"How did you know?"

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Help control the catfolk population!

Weird-things-R-us is proud to introduce the giant ball of string. Measurring an incredible 6 feet in height, this massive ball is more than a novelty piece. It can also be used for keeping down the catfolk populations by distracting them for days on end!

"Hey Rita, what're you doing?"

"Oh, hey Rynne, I was just writing up an ad for my giant ball of string."

"GIANT BALL OF STRING?!?"

"Yeah, I've got one of them sitting over there."

Immediately Rynne pounces on the ball of string, swating, snuggling, and just rolling it around.

After a few minutes, "Um, little help?"

Rynne had completely tangled herself up in the string.

"Hold on while I get a camera."

"What? UNTIE ME!!!"

"I will, but you just took my ad from boring old text to full color picture."

"I DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR AD!!!"

"Smile!"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

"Gee Rita, why is it that golems don't have to worry about breathing under water?"

"You see Timmy, golems aren't living beings, so they don't breathe at all. If there were absolutely no air at all, a golem would be perfectly fine."

"But is there such a place?"

"Oh yes Timmy, in the vacuume of space, there's nothing at all asside from stray bits of dust."

"But isn't that really far away? How would a golem ever be in space?"

"An excellent question, to answer that, I'd like you to go into that special room I've set up and try to steal the box from it."

Timmy walks into the other room.

"Now folks, what Timmy doesn't know is that the box has a trap on it that removes all the air from the otherwise air-tight room."

Timmy fumbles with the box and then goes running to try and open the door.

"I'm sorry to say Timmy, that door won't be opening any time soon. You see there are thousands of pounds of air pushing on that door, and none pushing back. Baring some godly feat of strength, the only way out is quite sealed. With triple layer titanium no less. That room is quite capable of withstanding the kind of force that your lungs are collapsing from as we speak."

Timmy's banging on the door ceases and a few minutes later the air returns to the room, allowing the door to swing open.

"Oh dear, we're gonna need another Timmy."


p.s. props to Rualii for the general idea behind this one

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Sosel escape pod!

Tired of waiting for sunrise to get off sosel? Are those pods just too annoying to bother with? Have I got the high tech answer for you! Based on railgun technology, the sosel escape pod uses high power magnatism to fling an airtight pod through space to your destination planet. Liftoff is made smoother by a slower acceleration: only 5 g's. (watch the re-entry though!)

Discounts available for a returned pod and details on how it remained in one piece.

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

Rita sat hunched over a microscope, "Almost..."

"Um, I'm almost affraid to ask, but what are you doing now?"

"Right now, I'm trying to combine Nibbles DNA with this unfertilized hamster egg..."

"And just where the heck did you get one of those?"

"From Nibbles."

"Nibbles is a girl?"

"Yeah, and she's gonna be her own mommy if this works."

"So reanimating that poor hamster isn't enough? You have to now make a clone of it with it's own egg which you're gonna force it to give birth to? How many more crimes against nature and the gods are you gonna do?"

Armagg-Odin says, "Actually, I want to see how this turns out."

"AND WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!?"

"That's Armagg-Odin silly, I invited him."

"Um, I'm gonna go hide in the corner now..."

(two weeks later)

"A complete success!"

"What are you talking about, the babies are all dead!"

"Yes, but remember, we cloned a dead (but reanimated) hamster. The genes themselves were still dead, even if the hamster no longer is."

".. what? Are you suggesting there's a 'dead gene'?"

"I'd say there's proof of it right here!"

"That's it, I'm striping you of your (slightly?)"

"Aww..."

-Rita the mad scientist

[Rita]

After Rita lost her (slightly?) mad scientist status, she was at a loss. Somehow her signitures just lost all their appeal. To rectify the situation, she built a time machine to go back and steal the (slightly?) from her past self in order to keep her lab assistant from having stripped it from her in the first place. Unfortunately, Rita isn't very good at calibration, so we join her and her assistant in the year 250,352 BC

Rita's assistant: "What a cute little mousey!"

"DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!"

"Why not?"

"Don't you know that changing the past in the slightest way could over the 250 thousand some years drastically alter the time from which we came? The smallest change could result in you never being born!"

"Oh come on, if that were true, wouldn't that mean that we'd never have been able to make a time machine to go back in time to begin with, and we wouldn't even be here!"

"Firstly, even if you aren't affected by the changes you make in the past, the present you return to could be drastically changed. You could even inadvertantly make a new breed of virus that we are utterly unprepared to deal with!"

"Oh what a load of bs, I'm going to pet the mousey..."

Rita's assistant suddenly vanishes as he steps on a colony of ants

"And secondly, -I- made the time machine, and could have eassily gone back in time without you!"

-Rita the mad scientist

[Rita]

"Our mutual friend told me to meet you here, he said you had a lot of wierd equipment that might help me on my next assignment..."

"Mmhmm, come on in. I keep a bunch of my old experiments in the basement."

As Charm steped into Rita's house, he looked around. Supposedly her house was chalk full of traps for catching even the most warry burgler off guard...

"It's right down here."

Rita lead the way downstairs. Oh yes, she had some interesting stuff down here alright...

"Can you tell me more about these?"

He indicated the rack of odd looking guns.

"Well the first one is your standard thunderstick, nothing really special about it. Next to it was an attempt to make a goop gun, the chewing gum didn't work as well as I'd hoped... The next one is a miniture version of my shrink ray..."

"Hmm, I like the sound of that, bring a titan down to my level..."

"Yeah, just keep in mind it takes a fully charged lightning fundamental for each shot."

"... That's actually pretty low on energy from what I've heard about the first one..."

"So I turned the shrink ray's beam on itself so that it'd take less power, sue me."

"Well I still like it, but what the heck is that?"

"Oh, that's the remote control car I made for Nibbles to ride in. Just for fun I made it so it can transform into a sort of car-submarine. You should've seen the look on Nibbles face the first time I made it dive underwater!"

Charm paused for a second trying to thing just what a frightend hamster looked like.

"Well I like the underwater part, put it and the shrink ray in a box and ship it to my house. And this time don't write 'pantyhose' on it."

"Why not? You said to make it look like something that any normal person would get..."

"WHY WOULD A GUY ORDER PANTYHOSE?!?"

"Why don't you ask Robinhood?"

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

[Rita]

"We can repair it, we have the technology!"

"It's just a burnt out bulb, throw it away and get a new one"

"That's a waste though! Why buy a brand new bulb when we could open the bulb up, replace the filiment, and reseal the bulb while inside a vacume?"

"Um, because it's too much work, and I'm not gonna be the fool that gets convinced to do the resealing part?"

"Oh, I wasn't going to have a person do that, I can just get one of my golems to do that part"

"A golem? Those things have all the dexterity of a blindfolded rhinoceros! They'd be lucky to even pick the bulb up without breaking it... You'd have more luck pushing some poor sap into the vacume room and saying you won't let them out till they seal the bulb!"

"Sounds good to me!"

Rita pushes her assistant into the vacume room and slams the door shut.

-Rita the (slightly?) mad scientist

p.s. No assistants were hurt in the making of this rp post, they were only emotionally scarred and now have an irrational fear of christmas lights.