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Post by Zandar on Oct 3, 2006 15:09:13 GMT -5
So...let me know what you think.
-Z
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Kereth
Storymaster
Because 'stabbity, stabbity, stabbity' is a punchline.
Posts: 222
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Post by Kereth on Oct 3, 2006 22:31:43 GMT -5
Yay! Intrigue! Subterfuge! Little black books! *waits for the Harriel story crossover*
Meiris' powers of comprehension and quick acceptance of events is astounding. If somebody came to me and said, "So. . . Zandar killed some guy with a forbidden ceremony called <something neither I nor anybody but a few in the upper ends of the Sikkaran church have ever heard of>." I'd probably make them repeat it several times to see if I misheard and then check if they reinced Hand or Jomsviking on me or needed to speak with a psi.
Or reinced bard. Bards love to make stuff up.
Anyway, you got that court thing coming up, so I suspect that the villain of these piece is not a cultist at all, but a lawyer.
Zandar is doomed.
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Carnely
Storyteller
Hall of Famer
Armed & Lecherous
Posts: 74
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Post by Carnely on Oct 5, 2006 9:34:05 GMT -5
Meiris *is* astounding. That is all.
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Post by Harriel on Oct 22, 2006 1:31:20 GMT -5
Meiris is pretty astounding, yes.
How long did these two have to prepare a defense for the most beloved and highest status member of the Church? Because it looks like Meiris was told about the crime the day of the trial, and that's seriously bothering me.
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Post by Feweo on Oct 31, 2006 23:01:02 GMT -5
A very interesting portrayal of the the characters - Full applause for that.
The story is nifty though awkward as I usually pictured Zandar as a very strong willed man and not someone that'd roll over in the face of something as odd and strange as say a ritual of murder in his office (only my interpretation though, still makes for a nifty story.)
Decent so far in the your way of pulling off the twists and turns the story takes, but I'm inclined to side with Harriel on the time passage between discovery and trial. Even with magic, one would imagine it would take a good chunk of the day, if not several, at least to perform the massive amounts of tests and double check tests to ensure all possible pieces of evidence (testing for magical residue, questioning/grilling ALL of the guards thoroughly, performing extensive translation/research into obscure occult knowledge that only the few elite would know about, tracking down the qualified personal for the tests, etc) was gathered.
Other than the whole vague/shortness on time thing, the story is well done and should be continued until completion. Or baby Sikkar will cry.
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Kereth
Storymaster
Because 'stabbity, stabbity, stabbity' is a punchline.
Posts: 222
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Post by Kereth on Nov 1, 2006 12:46:01 GMT -5
In Zandar's defense, although I agree that the shortness of the time there doesn't actually make sense, that detail never occurred to me while reading the story. Everything just kinda' flowed naturally without my brain registering the descrepency. Notably, however, I never realized just how little time had passed at first when the trial started. I kinda' lost track of when things were happening, so that may be the reason the error was so subtle to me. Either way, the story has continued on quite well regardless.
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Post by Harriel on Nov 2, 2006 23:46:34 GMT -5
Oh, it's a really well written, and very engaging story, but... Nobody thought to talk to the suspect's wife? Schrau didn't have any idea what his witness was going to say on the stands, didn't take the time to grill her beforehand? The defense team doesn't have time or inclination to, you know, talk to each other before initiating crazy plans?
It all makes for great courtroom drama, and it almost works if you assume that the Sentinels thought they had a solid case, and are rushing, skipping over protocol... in their eagerness to execute the most respected, highest status man on Welstar. I don't really buy it.
Willing suspension of disbelief, though- people are totally allowed to be stupid if it makes for a better story. And it does, and this has been a great ride so far, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
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Post by Harriel on Dec 4, 2006 16:30:11 GMT -5
Oh, right, because Schrau's a bastard.
I kid- I really appreciated the character development in this post, makes the whole thing flow better. And hooray for Meiris the ninja-selkie-lawyer!
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Post by Alise on May 3, 2007 6:58:00 GMT -5
I had intended to read the first chapter just to see what it was all about and whatnot. I ended up reading all of it, really well done, better than anything I could write at least. Anything that comes to mind has already been mentioned, so ...
Keep up the good work!
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